Breathe in the peace…

I guess in life we are constantly coming back to the sacred things, the sure things, the treasured things that we have known and held onto for most of our life. Its a journey and it does loops. And somehow the loop always goes “home”.

I have had seasons of experimenting in my theology and have drifted on seas of theories, creativity, ideas and even indifference at times. They have grown and broadened me. But I seem this year to have made a little journey back to those sure and certain things.

In January in a car back from Sweden I read the rebuke to the Ephesus church, “You have forsaken your first love. Remember the heights from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” At the time, I was feeling a bit lost. I was miles away from home and felt a bit like the Jamie Cullum song, “I’m all at sea / Where no one can bother me /Forgot my roots../Just me and my thoughts /Sailing far away.”  The urge to return to harbour was reassuring to say the least.

So, I picked up my guitar again, found a church I liked going to and started attending regularly. Bizarrely, I was also ended up doing the job I started my career in – teaching. It was definitley a return to former things. I started to remember who I was. I remembered who I am.

Last month my boyfriend and I vistied Wales and came across this quaint stone church. It was a gorgeous sunny day. Yellow flowers were dotted over the grass and in the distance lay an expance of silent water stretching out for miles. With not much around us except the sea and the fields, the space felt almost timeless. People had been pilgrimaging there since the 12th century. The words in the church book seemed to carry a pointed weightiness. “Breathe in the peace and revelry of this ancient sanctuary.” We sat in silence and breathed!

I think we are called to constantly return to our beginnings, to be reminded of the simplicity, beauty and power of our faith and to be caught up again to the heights from which we seem so easily to fall.

A Universe to Explore

I just love this explanation … it just seems to open up space on so many levels!! I have never seen Christian escatology teaching in this way before. Simultaneously I never seen love relationships in this way either. All I can say is that its pretty damn cool. 

http://peterrollins.net/blog/

While John the Baptist preached that the kingdom was coming, Jesus preached that this kingdom was already among us. However, in saying this he did not overturn the message of John the Baptist but rather deepened it, for Jesus spoke of a kingdom that was here and yet as simultaneously being something that was looked to as still to come.

Following the image of the kingdom that was spoken of by Jesus, we encounter the idea that while it is still thought of as “to come” this does not mean that it will one day arrive at the end of a certain period of time, but rather that the kingdom is “to come,” i.e., the kingdom is already among us but in a manner that implies it is absent. ..This view of the kingdom is something that we also find confirmed in the writings of Paul, such as when he speaks of the kingdom as both the now and the not-yet.

Is this initially bizarre logic not what we also find being played out when we contemplate the presence of those whom we love? Is it not a great romantic truth that the presence of our beloved is always of a spectral kind? To truly know and love someone involves acknowledging that person’s inscrutable eschatological depths, understanding that the presence of the one before us is always manifested as a type of absence, as an opening. For each person is a universe for us to explore. In this way it is wrong to imagine that we long for someone we love to enter into our world, to come. Rather, when the one we love arrives in our world we encounter that person as precisely the one who is “to come.”

This is why our desire for those we love is born in our encounter with them rather than satisfied there. We cannot desire the one whom we do not know, for the simple reason that we do not know that person. We can only desire the one who is before us, the one who remains mysterious in his or her presence. The other is both the origin and the unreachable destination of our desire, for there is always something Other about the other, something “to come” amidst the presence of those we love. In the eyes of the beloved a universe opens up and envelops us.

The “God-particle” (&Turkish Kebab)

While I was coming to terms with the idea of digesting the biggest Turkish kebab in living history, in other parts of Europe Scientists were struggling to come to terms with the tiniest invisible particles - “the God-particle”.

A man by the name of Professor Peter Higgs almost 44 yrs ago came up with a theory that “there is an as yet undetected field which binds some of the basic particle of matter together aided by a mass-less substance nicknamed the Higgs boson” (Guardian- Severin Carrell) or what he refers to as the “God-particle”. People laughed at him then but now this dark star is getting his time to shine.

Astronomers apparently can account for 5% of observable matter in the universe – the stuff of stars and planets but then there is “dark matter” that makes up a further 25% leaving another 70% of “exotic dark energy, which drives the expansion of the universe”.  Quite a lot to digest on a stomach still expanding with Turkish kebab!! 

So the Large Hadron Collider is in search of this particle, this dark energy, ”a mysterious substance that stretches through the universe and clings around galaxies.”  I wish them luck. I have flashbacks to Christina’s talk which could have been titled  ”The Universe for Dummies”, with all our combined knowledge of the Scientific world. It was mind boggling but wonderful.

Well I thought my stomach was a black hole until I ate that Turkish kebab. Now I have evidence of those unmistakable particles of matter. I can hardly move!!  Perhaps the Scientists will have the same sort of discovery pretty soon….

Risky Business

Since arriving in London, my perception of the place has been coloured somewhat by John Caputo’s ”What would Jesus Deconstruct” (Thanks fakeexpressions for this gem!) He starts the book off speaking about the commecial success that’s been made with the “What Would Jesus Do?” slogan, reminding us that its origins are far from the American self satisfied gung-ho christianity that it seems to represent . The original text where Sheldon uses the phrase is ”In his Steps”. A heart-sick tramp in the story confronts a well-to-do church saying:

 “It seems to me there is an awful lot of trouble in the world that somehow wouldn’t exist if all the people who sing such songs went and lived them out. I suppose I don’t understand. But what would Jesus do?” 

Caputo expands the idea further by saying later in the chapter, “ Were this figure of Jesus, who is the centrepiece of this poetics or theo-poetics, to return, what would he look like? An illegal immigrant? A child dying of Aids? A Vatican bereaucrat? And what do we imagine he would expect of us here and now? The questiion calls for a work of application, interpretation, interpolation, imagination and self interrogation and all that is risky business”  

I have wondered in the last few days that were Jesus a face in London, what would he look like? Its made me look at the people around me differently. One can’t help in this environment being slightly envious of the opinionated, overly confident city-slickers who hop on and off the tube in their latest fashion gear with their trendy cell phone, ipod and lap top computer. But whose body/guise would Jesus choose were he to come to London? Would it be the gypseys who walk around with their children asking for money, or the over-weight red head kid? Or maybe the Eastern European at the corner shop?

I am keenly aware that whatever Jesus would do, it would turn our expectations on their head and challenge us to the core .  Even as I approach the idea of working again (oh the reality must kick in too soon I fear) and finding a job, there is a sense of being in that amazing place of being able to redefine my direction. I could do a number of things. Motivation is always deadly apparent at times like this. Do I go for the big bucks or do I wait a bit and think where perhaps the face of Christ is most apparent? Challenging thoughts….and as Caputo says “risky business”.

Move it! Move it!

I’m moving to London in 3 weeks and with the move has come this strange sense of contemplation about my life thus far.

I’ve been trying to throw things away but inevitably start reading old journals and get totally distracted from the task at hand. Its amazing thing to see another version of yourself in the pages of the past. For the past 7 years in Cape Town I seem to have transitioned from a very dreamy person talking about all the things I’m going to do into someone who has actually done some things. There’s a confidence that comes with that. To be honest I don’t know how a simple pray of “Lord I want to be paid for my writing” has managed to become so many varied things. I know for a fact that every door that opened had the fingerprints of God on them (some only recognised in retrospect)  

On looking back aswell I am so grateful for the mistakes, for the confusion, for the pain. It’s always hard at the time to realise that my most challenging moment, biggest question, my most gruelling trial, my biggest skrew up – holds treasure that I will hold dear for the rest of my life. Wisdom for the journey.. 

The negative space – the darker it is – defines more clearly what the positive space is.

So I’ve been trying to throw things away but I realise that I don’t have to. Somehow the imprint of Cape Town and everything that has happened here is deeply etched into my character and heart. And every person brought into to my life has had an undeniable effect…I can see it. The journey I walk now is different to the one I walked before. I walk taller, a little less bewildered, a little more confident because of some very caring kind souls who took the time to get to know me and listen to all the heart ache, all the questions of faith and didn’t judge too heavily but rather encouraged the good!!

So thank you Cape Town!!! (Alanis Morisette style)

And all you lovelies in it!!

Bearing the Beams of Love

“We are put on earth for a little space that we may learn to bear the beams of love” William Blake

 

The introduction to Thomas Merton’s “Contemplative Prayer” is staggering in its testimony to a life of love. The man who writes the introduction is a Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh and his admiration and connection with Thomas is clear through what he writes:

 

“It is hard to describe his face in words, to write down exactly what he was like. He was filled with human warmth. Conversation with him was so easy. When we talked, I told him a few things, and he immediately understood the things I didn’t tell him as well. He was open to everything, constantly asking questions and listening deeply. I told him about my life as a Buddhist novice in Vietnam, and he wanted it know more and more….We had moments of great happiness and peace together, and the ground of our happiness was true communion and understanding….It is a pleasure for me to write these lines to introduce his book.”

 

I can’t think of anything lovelier than to be praised by someone who doesn’t see life or faith exactly as you do, but someone who still recognises and has experienced the undeniable evidence of love in your life. What an honour that is, what an example to live up to!

“Heart” Stuff

Sergio Milandri gave this great talk on “the heart”. It somehow managed to wrestle my mind down and access that indefinite place so I thought I would share some of the gems with you.

So here’s a reminder:
1.There are no nerves in the heart. There is no direct connection from the brain to the heart. The way the body “speaks” to the heart is through chemicals which are sent from the middle brain through the blood stream. So when your heart starts pumping from fear or excitement it’s a response the heart receives in the blood. The heart in a sense then doesn’t have a “mind” in the conventional sense!!! The heart is about feeling.
2.Messages sent in the brain are quick. The synapses fire and almost instantly messages can be coded, rent, resent, analysed, deconstructed, reconstructed. The “heart” messages take some time to reach the heart…they lag a little, they require a bit longer to register, to interpret, to respond to.

Of course, my dodgy biology lesson (doctors may elaborate further) has a spiritual side-kick. Loving God with “heart” is different to loving God with “mind”. I can read a scriptural text with my “mind”. If I’ve read it before it will probably bore me. If I read it with my “heart”, I read it differently. I linger there, I wait. I tread with sensitivity. I am awake to the nuances of how my heart is responding, what the heart is feeling and saying. It’s a different knowing.

The mind thinks in straight lines. It dissects, cut things in pieces, its “emotions” are often knee-jerk reactions, cut and dried. The “heart” builds relational connections, it ponders things, it’s much slower, it takes time for the emotions to well up.

On the road Emmaus, the men spoke to a stranger about the events of Jesus’ death. They were deeply troubled but somehow this stranger’s words made sense to them. Eventually they realised it was Jesus who had been talking to them all along that road. In retrospect they recognised the presence of God. They said “Didn’t we feel our hearts burn within us?”

I guess I’m chasing the place of “heart”. I know the chase requires an inverse response, a waiting, a patience, a listening… “heart” needs space and time. It’s not conjured up, it can’t be faked. Like a lazy afternoon when after a long time you feel the wind whispering in your hair.

Turkey Recall

 It’s true that the older you get, the less knowledgeable you become. A younger version of me arrogantly thought I could change the world. You can imagine my surprise when my world ended up changing me!

A couple of years back, I travelled to Turkey for six months on an English-2^nd Language teaching secondment with the school I had been working for in London. The idea was to serve the people I met, get to know them and share my spirituality with them. I guess it was also an experiment. I wanted to see how my faith would stand up in a completely new culture, one where even the calendar didn’t remember my Christian heritage! When I got there was that I felt completely overwhelmed and alienated. I remember being initially quite freaked out by the Islamic call to worship every morning. The evening classes started and I made friends with the business English students. I didn’t expect to feel as lonely as I did. Then each student, one by one, invited me to their house, took me on visits to the sites of Istanbul and took me out for meals. I was readily included in every social activity and warmly received into the community. They showed me a tangible kind of love, a love that doesn’t just talk but actually is shown in action.  

I know that my culture does not place such a high value on welcoming foreigners. I know my faith does but bizarrely the Turks showed me what the story of the Good Samaritan is all about. I was humbled by their love. I found God there. On the day I left the school I was laden with gifts. Not just feeble, last minute gifts but beautiful ones: a little Turkish carpet and bag, a beautiful delicate Turkish plate and a fantastic coffee book on the sites of Turkey. I was flabbergasted. My perspective on my earth-shaking abilities changed. If I did change their lives in any small measure, I think the favour was reciprocated in triplicate.  I guess I have issues with the whole evangelism thing. But I’m not exactly sure what my method is, if there is one. It doesn’t rest easy with me to impose faith on others, unless they are genuinely interested and ask. I don’t know how the rest of you feel about this…  

But I totally identify with this discovery:“Instead of bringing God to unreached places and unreached peoples, I find countless missionaries who say that, while this was how they once thought, time and again they find that these unreached places are the very sites they must go to find God and to be reached. How many of us have learnt too late that that our initial idea, that by serving the world we will bring God to others, has eclipsed the wisdom that in serving the world we find God there.”  Peter Rollins  “How(not) to speak of God”  

Simon Nqweniso

About four years ago, I was working in town and going to a gym in Sea Point. The only saving grace of the exercise regime at this highly unfriendly place of torture was the car guard I happened to meet in the area called “Judah” (his real name was Simon). Every gymming day we would end up talking for ages outside my car. Judah loved boxing and would often demonstrate the moves. He made me laugh a lot. He had a captain’s hat that he loved wearing on his more eccentric days. 

Last year, in September, Judah died of cancer. His conversations just before getting really sick would often revolve around what legacy he would leave. He had nothing (what he did have often got stolen) but he laboured over the garden around the tennis court and he hoped people would remember him by it. The irony is I think he was the bravest, most generous spirited person I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I think everyone who met him recognised that! He should have been on podiums speaking to multitudes – he had that kind of charisma. I don’t fully understand how lives like his can be so “unknown”. I guess I knew him and that counts somehow in some way…but it troubles me that there are so many like Judah who just aren’t seen. 

Hinds Feet on High Places “I have often wondered about the wild flowers,” Much Afraid said. “It does seem strange that such unnumbered multitudes should bloom in the wild places of the earth where perhaps nobody ever sees them …” The look the Shepherd turned on her was very beautiful. “Nothing my Father and I have made is ever wasted,” he said quietly, “…I must tell you a great truth, Much Afraid, which only a few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always these which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at.”– Hannah Hubbard, (pg34)

Squarepig’s evil twin!

SPIDER PIG!!! Arrrrrrrrrrgh! Run for your life!!!!

Squarepig realises that whenever things get a little too intellectual for her, (Karaoke corner- for higher grade pigs) she gets the unutterable urge to sabotage everything with something totally ridiculous, like Spider Pig!!! At which point she puts on her sticky feet and starts climbing the walls singing this song:

 Spider pig spider pig
Does whatever a spider pig does
Can she spin from a web
No she can’t she’s a pig
Look out
She is a spider pig!